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a scorched marshmallow (improvised demos)

by Owen Korzec

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1.
i fear jumping off a ledge to the unknown memories of lost opportunity because i was scared like a child scared to ask why i was falling behind and i wanna show you what's really underneath me when i rise the way up high i'm supposed to be and i cannot deal with this the empty spaces holding my present back to the past but i can do it no you can't you need help you need a lotta help can I? maybe we'll see
2.
everyone is trying to help you everything is there for your benefit don't question it i don't know a lot today i'm feeling confused again don't even know what questions i should ask so i'll just ask you what questions i should comfort in not knowing comfort in believing that's why you're here that's why you're my guide my guide will never be called I i think too much sometimes i question these silly rhymes i ponder too deeply into my little life when all of the universe surrounds me a million times larger don't ask what's coming next just wait and let it happen energy will show you the way you can't deny when you know it
3.
i feel it coming you are welcome fear is welcome you are helping me thanks for telling me i'll trust you now (always) welcome come and stay a while take off your shoes let's relax in chaos together come through me escape and leave run your course give me strength and depart when you're done i will grow
4.
just take me there i'll figure it out don't need a plan or a cent in my pocket to live this fuckin life out just take me there show me where i can feel alive i just wanna change just rearrange all the people in my life all the things that aren't in sight just let me learn without frying my brain too much information all of it inaccurate you don't even know me you never listened to who i am so here i'll tell you i wanna fuckin' rule with the world with love i guess power too but mostly love i wanna live like fire manifest my desires just wanna be real and feel anything a better kind of stress to weigh me down how could i fuck it up this long not listening to my heart just tagging along i wanna finally scream and cry and change fix my life before i die
5.
(instrumental intro) why am i so silent? why can't i just stir up the pot a little bit be angry a little bit why can't i be silent? and just let it go i've always been like that but then you don't see any of my soul i've been too silent choking on my voice as i sing all the songs i don't even like why am i so silent? i can't speak to you for long without feeling like i have lost myself in conversation faking success and happiness i'm really just a mess and i want your help i'm lonely i'm fucking lonely this work doesn't mean a thing to me i'm fucking lonely, i don't know how to be a human and just love just appreciate why i'm here and you're here and it's all about the "we" what we do when we're in harmony and that's not enough it will never be but it's enough for me it's all just a movie a video game with all these weird levels and characters that come and go and it's beautiful the drama, the triumph, the failure, the fear i guess this is why i'm here
6.
(instrumental)
7.
you can't label me there's no doctor for my personality so i'll just suffer until i feel complete on this rat race on my own and never understood and i know there's something there that's more powerful than your scares your fear trying to hide your condescending mindset all the time i know who i am, i don't need help i just need a release from your chains you're fuckin' abusive even if i can't explain why i am already whole by myself i just gotta leave you'll be fine without me meet someone even more crazy oo, too much for me and i know i've found myself around weirder and weirder characters but i'm learning there's something they all have that your fucking grimy soul doesn't and i think that's a little bit better than being stuck in this prison i never wanted to be you why am i around you i don't wanna please you just wanna be safe this is the start of a change this is the start of me
8.
(instrumental intro) i'm not better and i won't be till i stop stuttering the truth with all these inserted white lies between where i stop and i overthink oh, if i could just say the things that are taboo to get the information of why they made me so blue so blue, oh this isn't right don't tell me i have an easy time i'm feeling pain again it's real, i gotta do something about the old me staying attached to who i used to be glued to the fake me i walk around in now don't tell me to shut up maybe a part of me is bad maybe it's been too long of being good not feeling every cell of me that wants to scream
9.
i wanna help the people most don't want as a friend i want to understand your pain i wanna heal you for your benefit and my acclaim i don't why i feel this way i just can't resonate with shame i feel it too i feel as blue as you i've been told i should grow but what meaning does all that taking have to do with where I want to go i feel it too i feel as blue as you and i want to help those even more blue to a brighter hue do you ever feel like me out where you have been? what you haven't said do you ever feel there's more to you hidden behind the chaos in your head? you've got more in you more hidden inside your heart
10.
this moment has never happened yet every moment is new and that is enough to keep me alive until i die with my face blue remember love and affection remember a smile on the face remember the dark times aren't your last but they get better each round i remind myself each day cause it takes a little effort to remember the mysteries of the universe [the odds of] being a human [are] 400 trillion to one and i made that one how have i made it this far? when i was child i didn't think the years would come even better i'm happy more to come on that you ask me, life or not? i say yes and i'm never turning back say yes to being here one more second one more minute one more day (and) all you have control of the best video game is life
11.
i didn't want to have to say a word today i didn't have to hear all those lies inside my head i didn't want to work when i was already exhausted in disguise i didn't want to continue faking love hiding my desires it's too soon for me to know it's too late for me to regret it's too important to ignore right now nothing's coming clearly today all eclipsed on this sober haze that i never thought i'd find i'm high on the sleep i've been deprived and i'm losing my ground my fire's burning me up into sounds if i could only leave them behind without a doubt in my mind or my heart that who i am will survive it's too soon to know who i am it's too soon to regret one/all of my mistakes it's too important to not be aware of it now
12.
nothing feels better than being stable nothing feels better than being me surviving comfortably i don't need a fancy identity i just don't want to be hurt so bad that i fear everything and forget what i love i'll be patient, i'll be patient the prize has yet to come and the bigger prize is living every moment as it comes this is what makes me happy i don't need to dream those grandiose visions that catch me in a net of attachment to fantasy i like reality better i like responsibility better i'm no longer afraid to be normal i'm no longer afraid to sacrifice what's healthy to sacrifice my health was not healthy to sacrifice everything's fine as long i'm breathing everything's complete as long as there's space i think i'm done with overthinking it's just a distraction from what the people care about and my inner peace, that's all they can feel my inner peace is all i can gift when i'm gone when i'm gone, my complexity will be forgotten who am i in summary? let's make it a meaningful summary

about

This album is:

An emotional documentation of my quarter life crisis. Joy of piano. Creativity desperately crying out to be acknowledged again. A dumping of some self-hate into the past, to let go of. Encouragement to discover and reflect all your strongest emotions without denial. The musical equivalent of a scorched marshmallow - burnt up by impatience and extremity around the edges, but still sweet and redeemable deep inside.

How this album was made:

I would literally feel a huge wave of inspiration, start recording with an iphone, play the sounds i feel, sing the words i feel. After a year or so of doing this from time to time, I selected my favorites that fit together and mixed them. The track order roughly reflects the chronological order I recorded these, with some exceptions to turn it into a more fluid conceptual storyline.

The concept:

This album documents my search to develop deeper clarity in my purpose in life, and how it led me onto new perspectives on each of the song subtitles. As I learned more about psychology, got into trauma healing practices, and making this improvised music as another avenue to that, it influenced me to decide to step up and change and leave my cover band job that had wore out its welcome and felt very stagnant to me. But during the transition I really pushed myself to the edge during it hanging around too long, discovered how emotionally unstable I can really get when I try so hard to put others’ needs before my own, and then coming out wiser but more humbled. This also involved meeting more interesting people along the way and learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy personalities, exploring the temptations of each, the worst qualities of the people I thought I should admire, and the best qualities of the people I thought I shouldn’t admire.

Good ways to listen to this album:

-Not all at once. Try tracks 1-5, then 6-9, then 10-12, something like that. The songs tend to get denser and denser later in the album.

-Pick a song whose subtitle reflections an emotion you're struggling with

-Read along the lyrics and read into them as deeply as you want.

-In either original or reverse track order. It can carry a storyline both forwards and backwards, to highlight how one person’s journey can go in the complete opposite direction of another, but they are both completely valid.

credits

released September 17, 2018

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Owen Korzec Boston, Massachusetts

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